Let Her Go
by NandaSC
Summary: "It took letting her go for you to figure it out. (...) It took losing her to make you knew you loved her." - Songfic, plus Character's death. Angst fic, is Angst. You've been warned.


Spoilers: Season 3, but with a tragic AU twist at the finale.  
Disclaimer: I do not own Lost Girl.

A/N¹: I'm not entirely happy about this… I think the feels hurt so much that I actually hate this fic! LOL Anyway, here goes nothing…  
A/N²: Song is 'Let Her Go' – Passenger.

-

_"Staring at the bottom of your glass  
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last  
But dreams come slow and they go so fast_

_You see her when you close your eyes  
Maybe one day you'll understand why  
Everything you touch surely dies"_

-

Locked inside your truck parked somewhere unknown from everyone that used to know you, you stared at the bottom of the half empty glass in hand. The clear dull liquid reflected all the pain and emptiness you feel inside. The two bottles of vodka and glass that you stole from The Dal at the Wake, were your only companies for the night.

Like it had been happening ever since you realized what a shit-hole you were in, that was just another lonely night of drinking in the backseat of your truck. Just one more day gone that you could never get back. And as another day went by, you were one step closer to the end of another cycle, your life cycle.

You should be feeling pissed or sad about that, but truth to be told, you couldn't wait to end with this miserable life once and for all. You had no reasons to hold onto it since you had nothing to live for anymore.

As you lost yourself in the bottom of that glass, you pondered about how foolish you have been all along for letting yourself go through this mess in the first place. You mocked yourself for ever listening to your foolish hopes. Hopes of maybe one day you could have a lasting dream, one that wouldn't come so slowly and fade away so quickly, like something as fleeting as _her_ in you pathetic and long existence.

_Her_. You close your eyes as images of her filled up your mind making your eyes sting with hot tears. You won't cry. You hated crying, and you despised the fact that she had made you cry more than it seemed fitting to. She had that affect on you. She made you do things you normally wouldn't do, like let someone in, fall in love and eventually, get heartbroken.

That was what you got from letting her slowly in your heart. You got hurt in the end. She got you wrapped around her finger, she made you know what true love was, and even made you act like one lovesick wolfman would. You literally risked your whole existence for her, and if you could, you would have sacrificed every future reincarnation possibility you would have if it meant sparing her life, but it was too late. All you tried to do wasn't enough.

That's what happens for people your kind. There were no Happy Endings for Valkyries, just like there was no escaping Death for a marked warrior. And you brought this fate on her, you were too weak to protect her from it. You should have expired years ago. Maybe if you did, she would have stayed alive. It was all your fault. Like on those other times you let someone in and the same thing happened... . .

Everything you touch, dies. Everyone you let in hurts you in the end. You always asked yourself and the Gods why that keeps happening, and what you did to deserve such fate. Maybe one day you can understand why, but as for now, you rather not know and just drink away the pain for the night.

-

_"Staring at the ceiling in the dark  
Same old empty feeling in your heart  
Love comes slow and it goes so fast_

_Well you see her when you fall asleep  
But never to touch and never to keep  
Cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep"_

-

You felt your head spinning and you started seeing double after finishing off the second bottle, so you lied back on the lumped backseat of your truck and stared at the dark lighted ceiling for a while. As you just lied there, memories of a night shared with her on that same backseat made those feelings of emptiness come rushing in your heart again, almost knocking the air out of your lungs.

Her gentleness against your aggressiveness, her loving caress against your toughness as you two made love… She so willingly wanted to teach you what love really felt like, but you took so long to finally knock down your walls and allow yourself to learn it, that you barely got enough time to love her back completely. You always knew love comes slow but you never knew it could go away this fast.

The tiredness of nights badly slept and the numbness the alcohol gave you was finally taking what was left of you as you dozed off to sleep, but they didn't made you numb enough to not see her in your sleep like it happens every single night.

Ever since it had happened, she has been haunting you day and night. Due to a constant state of inebriation, you couldn't even tell when she was just a daytime hallucination or a nighttime dream. You didn't care anymore. Even though it hurt you beyond words to see her everywhere you turn, at least she was somehow still there with you.

But then, every time she was there, you would realize you can never touch her or keep her again, even though you never had her to begin with. She belong to others, you never stood a chance against them anyway.

Being enough for her or not, you truly came to love her. And you loved her too much. So much so, that you dove too deep in those feelings, but then again, it had been too late for the both of you.

-

_"Cause you only need the light when it's burning low  
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow  
Only know you love her when you let her go_

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low  
Only hate the road when you're missing home  
Only know you love her when you let her go_

_And you let her go"_

-

After another restless night of sleep of her haunting your dreams, you slowly got back to consciousness. As you sat up slowly feeling sick in the gut and head pounding due to a hangover, you helplessly started thinking about her and about how stupid you were all over again.

You had realized everything too late. You had her, right here on this car on that night. You had her and you should have runaway with her. _He _would have found you both eventually, though, but it would have bought you both some time anyway. However, you decided to act like your cold-self to avoid exposing you feelings instead. How much you regret ever making such a selfish decision back then…

_You threw her clothes at her and turned away zipping your jeans and buttoning your shirt after you two were done. She had dressed herself in silence as you stared through the window into nothing at all. You heard the sound of the back door opening and heard her stepping out of the car. You knew the next sound would be of the door slamming shut, but what came next were the following words, uttered with so much hurt that it made your heart break into pieces…_

"One day you'll regret not letting me in, Tamsin".  
  
_As she slammed the door shut, you clenched your eyes shut together to avoid the tears from falling. You were so close to let her in, and yet again, you just let her go._

After you have expelled all drinking you had from the previous night on the ground just outside the truck, you got into the driver seat and started driving away, aimlessly. You had nowhere to go to. You didn't bother getting a place there as you first got in town. You knew your business there wouldn't take long, so there wasn't much need. Now it seemed like you have predicted it all…

You could have stayed there, and she could have been your home. But now with her gone, there was no reason in staying anymore. You hated that town now. You couldn't bare to stay there another second longer. You drove down busy streets until hitting empty roads, not caring about the people you were leaving behind – they were better off without you anyway.

As you drove away from everything that could remind you of her, you found yourself thinking about that last night you two had together. As you had watched her walk away from your truck, you remembered all too vividly the moment that you finally understood it all.

You didn't needed to let her in. She had let herself in on her own, without you even knowing it because you had already granted her full access to it.

It took letting her go for you to figure it out.

You fell for her sometime between helping save her best friend and helping her with her Dawning. Even if you didn't, she would have gotten into your heart whether you would let her in or not.

It took losing her to make you knew you loved her.

You could have simply shut your ego down, got your ass out of the truck, and had gone after her just then. But you didn't. _Next time, _you thought. The next time you were together, you would have the guts to tell her she_ was_ already in your heart and you would never let her go, not ever again.

But until that next time, you let her go.

And that was the last time you ever had her.

-

Fin.


End file.
